[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
not sure. I feel like somebody's punching bag, and my head feels like it's
going to explode."
"You know what happened?"
She nodded idly. "I I was him. And I enjoyed it! Now . . . Now I feel unclean,
like some of that black stuff is still lodged inside me. He disgusts me. He is
in my mind and I'm in his and he still disgusts me."
"It was that thing. You must know that."
"What happened isn't the point. He's still enjoying having done it!"
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The captain sighed and moved back to Krisha, who had uncurled and now sat,
looking puzzled. "Are you all right?" he asked gently.
"It was the same nightmare," she told him. "Only this time it seemed so real,
and it went on and on and on. It's still there, too. Not fading, like before,
to a bad memory or an irrational fear. Like like this is just a shell, and the
vision's going to shatter it and become real."
"It's only a nightmare triggered by that thing from your own mind," he assured
her in as gentle a tone as he could manage. "If you want to find out what real
is, go help Modra. She needs somebody."
He patted her hand, helped her to her feet, then had to steady her as her
headache and nausea attacked full tilt. As soon as he felt she was recovering,
though, he made his way through the hatch to the aft compartment. Both Jimmy
and
Grysta were up and seemed all right except for some cuts and bruises, perhaps,
but Grysta seemed angry and Jimmy uncharacteristically reserved.
"Jeez, Jimmy! You're damned lucky it only got to me a little! I still had my
brains about me and could stop you!"
"Shut up, Grysta!" Jimmy snapped. "Just shut up, will you?"
She turned to the captain in disgust. "Shit! You'd think I should'a let him
cut his balls off!"
Gun Roh Chin felt his jaw drop. "What?"
"Yeah, that's what he was gonna do. I mean, it all started and all, and like
last time I just get all homy, and I undo the straps and go to Jimmy, who's
gettin' outta his suit, so I do the same, right? And then instead of doin'
what
I figured, next thing I know he's got this knife in one hand and he's holdin'
his nuts in the other and I grabbed his knife arm and pushed him over and had
to fight like hell just to hold him down. And for that he's mad at me now! Can
you believe it?"
Chin looked at Jimmy McCray. "Is that true?"
Jimmy looked down at the floor rather than at the captain, but he slowly
nodded.
"It was an overpowering urge, but it wasn't any unthinking action. I was
thinking too much, maybe. All of a sudden I knew, I just knew, I had to do it.
That if I did it everything would be all right, everything would work out, my
soul would be purified. No question. It was like a revelation."
"And do you still feel like that? Is that why you're angry?"
"I I don't know. I wouldn't do it, but I still can't shake the idea that it's
right, somehow. You said it yourself, Cap. Those things can't know us as
individuals. They just let loose what we got in our own minds, what we hide
away even from ourselves. Maybe that's why I'm still a virgin. Maybe I don't
want to be a man. At least not in that way."
"Most likely it's guilt," the captain replied, trying to make the little man
feel a bit better. "You were a priest once and you rejected it, your vows,
everything your life had stood for and believed in up to that point. You're
afraid you did it because you were selfish, carnal. That is a double-edged way
out. You remove the source of your fall and punish yourself at the same time."
He looked up at the captain. "I know the pop psychology. Probably right, too.
The problem's more basic than that. If I wasn't a priest we might all be dead
or enslaved back in that demon hellhole. Every bit of my knowledge that made
me a real asset to the rest of you came from my being a priest. And then I get
to the
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Marathon%203%20-%20Ninety%20Trillion%20.txt heights and this this being knows
me, says we talked before, many times. That we, maybe all of us, were picked.
That all along I've been an instrument of higher powers, which is what a
priest is supposed to be. Before, it was easy. I
was on non-Terran worlds and around non-Terran types, and then I had Grysta on
my back, and then we had much too much to think about to be very carnal. Not
now, though. Not this time. When we went in I wanted her, wanted her bad, and
she wanted me, and there we were." His eyes looked haunted. "There wasn't any
other way out, you see. I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist. ..."
Gun Roh Chin sighed. "Well, you'll have to deal with your own problems as best
you can, and so will the others. Consider Modra and Josef."
"Hey, I'm linked to them, too, remember," Jimmy said. "And he saved her life
by what happened and she knows it.
Not deliberately, of course, but it's the first case of rape I ever heard of
that was a blessing. She just doesn't want to face that, because that means
facing her own dark little corners."
"Eh? What? Saved her life?"
Jimmy nodded. "Before the link snapped I got a picture. It was only a second,
maybe a fraction of a second, but it was all I need. She's got enough guilt
inside her to make a neutron star. She'd have killed herself in a matter of
minutes if he hadn't taken her over. Not, to be sure, that he knew it or that
it had anything to do with what followed, but the knowledge gives him a sense
of smug self-righteousness." He gave a dry, mirthless chuckle. "What a crew of
saviors we are!"
Gun Roh Chin gave a wry smile. "Would it surprise you if I said that I think
we are a most extraordinary crew of saviors?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Beyond the balance of skills, talents, intelligence, and lack of commitments
beyond our immediate mission, we've faced the burdens of our upbringing and
now the burdens of our own worst selves and we're all still here. And if you
want to believe you're on some sort of divine mission, fine, but take the
entire package because logic says you should."
"What?"
"Consider that, perhaps, Grysta's purpose was to save you from yourself. That
her actions, too, were meant to be."
With that, Gun Roh Chin walked back into the middle cabin. As he did, the big,
hairy figure of Josef came down from the top bubble.
"How is Tobrush doing?" the captain asked him.
"All right. The gas put the body out but not the real Tobrush inside it. It
was just immobile. He says he spent the whole time fighting the stuff off.
That it kept trying to enter and bond with him." [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
zanotowane.pl doc.pisz.pl pdf.pisz.pl exclamation.htw.pl
not sure. I feel like somebody's punching bag, and my head feels like it's
going to explode."
"You know what happened?"
She nodded idly. "I I was him. And I enjoyed it! Now . . . Now I feel unclean,
like some of that black stuff is still lodged inside me. He disgusts me. He is
in my mind and I'm in his and he still disgusts me."
"It was that thing. You must know that."
"What happened isn't the point. He's still enjoying having done it!"
file:///F|/rah/Jack%20L.%20Chalker/Chalker,%20...%20Marathon%203%20-%20Ninety%
20Trillion%20.txt (117 of 217) [1/19/03 4:43:36 PM]
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Marathon%203%20-%20Ninety%20Trillion%20.txt
The captain sighed and moved back to Krisha, who had uncurled and now sat,
looking puzzled. "Are you all right?" he asked gently.
"It was the same nightmare," she told him. "Only this time it seemed so real,
and it went on and on and on. It's still there, too. Not fading, like before,
to a bad memory or an irrational fear. Like like this is just a shell, and the
vision's going to shatter it and become real."
"It's only a nightmare triggered by that thing from your own mind," he assured
her in as gentle a tone as he could manage. "If you want to find out what real
is, go help Modra. She needs somebody."
He patted her hand, helped her to her feet, then had to steady her as her
headache and nausea attacked full tilt. As soon as he felt she was recovering,
though, he made his way through the hatch to the aft compartment. Both Jimmy
and
Grysta were up and seemed all right except for some cuts and bruises, perhaps,
but Grysta seemed angry and Jimmy uncharacteristically reserved.
"Jeez, Jimmy! You're damned lucky it only got to me a little! I still had my
brains about me and could stop you!"
"Shut up, Grysta!" Jimmy snapped. "Just shut up, will you?"
She turned to the captain in disgust. "Shit! You'd think I should'a let him
cut his balls off!"
Gun Roh Chin felt his jaw drop. "What?"
"Yeah, that's what he was gonna do. I mean, it all started and all, and like
last time I just get all homy, and I undo the straps and go to Jimmy, who's
gettin' outta his suit, so I do the same, right? And then instead of doin'
what
I figured, next thing I know he's got this knife in one hand and he's holdin'
his nuts in the other and I grabbed his knife arm and pushed him over and had
to fight like hell just to hold him down. And for that he's mad at me now! Can
you believe it?"
Chin looked at Jimmy McCray. "Is that true?"
Jimmy looked down at the floor rather than at the captain, but he slowly
nodded.
"It was an overpowering urge, but it wasn't any unthinking action. I was
thinking too much, maybe. All of a sudden I knew, I just knew, I had to do it.
That if I did it everything would be all right, everything would work out, my
soul would be purified. No question. It was like a revelation."
"And do you still feel like that? Is that why you're angry?"
"I I don't know. I wouldn't do it, but I still can't shake the idea that it's
right, somehow. You said it yourself, Cap. Those things can't know us as
individuals. They just let loose what we got in our own minds, what we hide
away even from ourselves. Maybe that's why I'm still a virgin. Maybe I don't
want to be a man. At least not in that way."
"Most likely it's guilt," the captain replied, trying to make the little man
feel a bit better. "You were a priest once and you rejected it, your vows,
everything your life had stood for and believed in up to that point. You're
afraid you did it because you were selfish, carnal. That is a double-edged way
out. You remove the source of your fall and punish yourself at the same time."
He looked up at the captain. "I know the pop psychology. Probably right, too.
The problem's more basic than that. If I wasn't a priest we might all be dead
or enslaved back in that demon hellhole. Every bit of my knowledge that made
me a real asset to the rest of you came from my being a priest. And then I get
to the
file:///F|/rah/Jack%20L.%20Chalker/Chalker,%20...%20Marathon%203%20-%20Ninety%
20Trillion%20.txt (118 of 217) [1/19/03 4:43:36 PM]
Page 112
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
file:///F|/rah/Jack%20L.%20Chalker/Chalker,%20Jack%20L%20-%20The%20Quintara%20
Marathon%203%20-%20Ninety%20Trillion%20.txt heights and this this being knows
me, says we talked before, many times. That we, maybe all of us, were picked.
That all along I've been an instrument of higher powers, which is what a
priest is supposed to be. Before, it was easy. I
was on non-Terran worlds and around non-Terran types, and then I had Grysta on
my back, and then we had much too much to think about to be very carnal. Not
now, though. Not this time. When we went in I wanted her, wanted her bad, and
she wanted me, and there we were." His eyes looked haunted. "There wasn't any
other way out, you see. I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist. ..."
Gun Roh Chin sighed. "Well, you'll have to deal with your own problems as best
you can, and so will the others. Consider Modra and Josef."
"Hey, I'm linked to them, too, remember," Jimmy said. "And he saved her life
by what happened and she knows it.
Not deliberately, of course, but it's the first case of rape I ever heard of
that was a blessing. She just doesn't want to face that, because that means
facing her own dark little corners."
"Eh? What? Saved her life?"
Jimmy nodded. "Before the link snapped I got a picture. It was only a second,
maybe a fraction of a second, but it was all I need. She's got enough guilt
inside her to make a neutron star. She'd have killed herself in a matter of
minutes if he hadn't taken her over. Not, to be sure, that he knew it or that
it had anything to do with what followed, but the knowledge gives him a sense
of smug self-righteousness." He gave a dry, mirthless chuckle. "What a crew of
saviors we are!"
Gun Roh Chin gave a wry smile. "Would it surprise you if I said that I think
we are a most extraordinary crew of saviors?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Beyond the balance of skills, talents, intelligence, and lack of commitments
beyond our immediate mission, we've faced the burdens of our upbringing and
now the burdens of our own worst selves and we're all still here. And if you
want to believe you're on some sort of divine mission, fine, but take the
entire package because logic says you should."
"What?"
"Consider that, perhaps, Grysta's purpose was to save you from yourself. That
her actions, too, were meant to be."
With that, Gun Roh Chin walked back into the middle cabin. As he did, the big,
hairy figure of Josef came down from the top bubble.
"How is Tobrush doing?" the captain asked him.
"All right. The gas put the body out but not the real Tobrush inside it. It
was just immobile. He says he spent the whole time fighting the stuff off.
That it kept trying to enter and bond with him." [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]